Zeldar News Group

Pauline Timms isn't worried about the high price of gas, she just wants to figure out how to use the pumps. "These pumps are ridiculous! They're too complicated. I drive up to a gas pump to buy some gas, not take an IQ test," said Pauline with a furrowed brow.

"It's easier to fill out your taxes than to fill your gas tank. I'm serious. The first thing that happens when you drive up to the pump is that you smack your door on that yellow pole. It always leaves a big mark."

"When you're ready to get gas then you've got a thousand things to figure out. They make you pick cash or credit, pay inside or outside. Do you want regular, mid-grade or super unleaded? Push this button. Pull that lever. If that isn't enough., there's buzzers and beepers going off to frighten me. Then they follow that up with a person on the intercom barking orders. It sounds like, 'slkjhd hwdkjfh sakjhfk.' What does 'slkjhd hwdkjfh sakjhfk' mean? If you can't decode what they are saying and respond with a correct answer within ten milliseconds, they yell it louder. I hate that.

Then one time they tried to trick me with a spring loaded nozzle. I swear! I pushed the nozzle in the hole and this big black spring shot it back out at me. 'WHAT IS GOING ON?' I yelled. After three tries I figured out how to wedge it in with a plastic shovel."

Pauline has taken her frustrating experiences with gas pumps and has turned them into something positive. "I've formed a grassroots political foundation to pressure congress to revamp and regulate gas pumps to make them useable. It's called Grassroots Political Foundation To Pressure Congress To Revamp And Regulate Gas Pumps.”

Self proclaimed cat lover just didn’t think 3 year-old cat was cute anymore

David Cramer remembers when his cat was a kitten. "When Fluffy was about six months old he used to attack my feet. I would lay in bed and he would silently stalk me. If my toe wasn't kept perfectly still, he would pounce on it. Then he would bite! Oh, he was so cute. He was just like a big lion from the Serengeti. I miss that."

David wants a new kitten so he can go through that cute stage again. "First thing next week I'm going to get a brand new kitten. The best kittens come from farm houses because they are raised half wild. I want one that's real energetic and mischievous."

Being a responsible cat owner, David is already making room for his new kitten. "I got a new scratching post, a new litter box, and I put my old cat, Fluffy, to sleep. I don't want to have two cats in the house and Fluffy just isn't cute anymore."

Fluffy will be missed, but not for too long. "It's hard for me think about an old dead cat, when I'm excited about getting a new kitten. Kittens just make me feel good. I guess you could say I'm a real cat lover."

Anticipating the birth of a first child is an exciting time for every prospective parent, and the Oxfords were no exception.

"We were elated when we first found out about the pregnancy. We tried to do everything 'by the book' from day one…diet, exercise-we even built an addition onto the house to prepare for his arrival."

Then came the day that tragedy struck for the Oxfords.

"We had gone in for our regularly scheduled ultrasound, expecting another wonderful little picture to put up on the refrigerator. That's when Dr. Lewis told us that our little Daniel showed signs of having Complete Sansaxillilary Syndrome, a rare condition that affects about one in every two billion births. When he told us that this meant that he would most likely be born without an armpit, we were devastated."

Although healthy in every other way, Daniel was indeed born sans armpits.

"It is much more likely with this condition to be born with just one armpit, but in the Oxfords' case, poor Daniel was born without either of them. It was just heartbreaking." Dr. Lewis said.

As Daniel grew, his parents tried to be encouraging, and treated him like any other little boy.

"Daniel had strong self-esteem…until about Junior High. That's when he started getting self-conscious about his condition. When his friends would wear muscle tees, Daniel always opted for long-sleeves. We thought about the possibility of prosthetic armpits, but quickly realized that the cost was way out of our league. The sad part is that I think that Daniel just longed to be a normal kid."

And, in July of 2003, he got his chance to be just that…normal, thanks to the generosity of a 57-year old pharmaceutical representative from Wisconsin named Patrick MacSwain.

"My wife and I were watching the news one evening," said MacSwain, and they broadcasted a piece about Daniel. His story moved me in a way that made me think, 'God granted me with both of my armpits, and my whole life I have taken them for granted…but now, golly, it is time for me to give something back', and this decision just felt like the right one."

Even with a donor, however, it was hard for the Oxfords to find a doctor willing to undertake this task. In their desperation, they turned to world renowned surgeon, Dr. Randolph Gurney.

"It is a tricky procedure, and many doctors just aren't equipped to handle it." Dr. Gurney explained, "But deep down, I knew that it was just something I had to do…for Daniel. Luckily, Daniel's body and immune system has shown no signs of rejecting Mr. MacSwain's armpits, and I will continue to monitor his progress."

But progress is something that seems to come naturally to Daniel. Physically, he is in better shape then ever, and has become the star racquetball player in his school, proudly wearing the required sleeveless uniform. He and Mr. MacSwain talk on occasion as well.

"It's funny," Daniel says, "I have even started liking things like ravioli and the ocean…I didn't really understand why, until I would talk to Patrick and he would tell me that he liked ravioli and the beach. That kind of thing happens all of the time to me now. It's almost like his armpits carry a certain memory of his body that now lives in me." With a lump in his throat, Mr. MacSwain added, "He is a charming young fellow…and I am just grateful that part of me will go on living in him--long after I am gone."

BOMBSHELL! Rocket has new heiress!
Allison Babcock surfaced yesterday claiming to be the daughter of John Bigalke I, founder of the News Rocket. Current publisher of the News Rocket, John Bigalke II, expressed doubts of Allison's claims. "I figure the ol' man has a slew of kids running around the globe somewhere, but this Allison woman has no rights to my empire. Attorneys for Allison Babcock claim she has been offered $5 Million for her silence.

Roger Agne from Marvin’s Camera has been ruffling feathers amongst his fellow business owners in Belleville. He is accusing Beatnik's of keeping sporadic hours of operation and leaving the neon "OPEN" sign on at night. John Bigalke, owner of Beatnik's responded to charges by saying, "I will try to get along with others."

Under a cloud of mystery King Dan disappeared from Danland, a Peruvian province where he was king and reappeared in the United States. Missing for nearly twenty-nine hours, Dan claims that secret agents of the US Federal Division of Weights and Measurements kidnapped him under orders from the Bush Administration.

The Bush Administration claims that the Federal Division of Weights and Measurements doesn't have secret agents. They are investigating the matter, further adding that King Dan has been a royal pain for years. "King Dan calls the president relentlessly on the 'Red Phone' whispering, 'I told you never to call me here,' and then hangs up."

Dan was known as a happy but brutal tyrant uttering the famous words, 'I execute my subjects all the time. It's hilarious!' He says he is currently exiled in New York, NY. The reaction of the president of Chili is one of glee. "He used to stand at the border of our two countries and throw rocks at the 'Welcome to Chili' sign. We have had to replace about twenty of them. I'm glad he's gone."

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